I was wearing brown cordoroy pants, a white button down shirt, and a brown striped sleeveless sweater. I was in Math Analysis Class when the fire alarm went off. Another bomb threat, one of many we'd had that year. We went outside and stood in front of B Building for about 15 or 20 minutes. It started to rain. We were all ushered down to the middle school to sit in the gym. We gathered in the bleachers, laughing and talking about how great it was to have gotten out of class, and hoping that we'd miss all of first period.

Then we started to hear mumblings about something having happened that morning. Terra had been crying, Josh... something had happened to Josh? Goode we thought? He had had heart problems. We were confused. Suddenly people from band began coming around to all the other band members and telling us that we needed to go to the band room. We were still confused, but we helped round everyone else up and went to the band room. People were already in there, crying and we didn't know why, but we figured something bad must have happened.

We all sat down, and then Mark came in. He was in his rescue squad gear, and he was crying too. I'd never seen a boy cry before. He told us that Josh McGarrahan's heart had stopped in his sleep, and they had worked their hardest on him but the couldn't bring him back. I couldn't believe it. We'd just seen Josh on saturday after the band competition, he was totally fine. He said "see ya on Monday." He couldn't be dead. Not many of us even knew that he had a heart condition.

Josh had been on the rescue squad that had just tried to save his life. He and Mark were partners. Abby was on the squad too. He was dating Terra, we talked about him on the bus every day! He stood next to me in the final set of the show. He fixed my baritone when the screws came loose. He always had duct tape and valve oil. He couldn't be dead. But he was.

I don't think I've ever cried as long and as hard as I did. Or as immediately. There was no shock period at all. I knew at the exact moment that I was told what it meant. I needed a hug. I hugged Mark, and pretty much everyone else in the room. I don't even think the boys tried not to cry. I cried until my eyes went blurry, and my contacts were all cloudy and my head hurt and my shirt sleeves were soaked and until I didn't think I had any liquid left in my body. And then I cried some more. I wanted to get Sammi, she was in 6th grade. I needed to have here there. I needed to hug her too. They wouldn't let me get her.

I called Dad, and told him, but I don't think it registered right away or if he had known Josh, but I told him that I needed to come home, I didn't think I could stay through the rest of the day. I guess we did get out of first period after all. I wish I could have gone back to that morning again. I would sit through Math Analysis for 5 years to have Josh back.

I went home and went to sleep. I thought that if I was asleep I wouldn't have to think about what had just happened. While I was asleep Josh wasn't dead. I could still remember seeing him at the band competition and during the bus ride home and at practice, and he was alive. But as soon as I woke up, I realized that I was dreaming and he was gone and never coming back.

I had never lost anyone close to me before Josh. Not even family members close to me. I was going to go to my first funeral. I went with Andrew. He was my rock. The church was small and packed. Too many people. People that just wanted to come just to say they went. People that didn't know Josh like we did. I had to sit in the choir loft with Andrew and everyone could see me cry. I didn't want them to see me. I couldn't control the crying. I just kept thinking about everything he would never get to do. About all the people that loved him so much and how would they live without him. My head was still throbbing from the crying I had been doing since Monday.

It had been raining since Monday. We had to perform in the Memorial at school for Josh that night. We played his favorite songs. Make His Praise Glorious from our marching band show, he liked the loud Tuba parts, not as loud without him. We played On a Hymnsong of Phillip Bliss a song I still can't hear or play without crying. It's the song I will forever associate with Josh. I even took my part to the song and kept it after the concert. The band was never supposed to play the song again, but they did a year ago I think. I even had to play it in college. I didn't make it through the end of the song. I burst into tears in the last few measures. After the service was over I ran to my Mom for another hug. They were the only things gettting me through.

On Thursday we had our first practice since Josh had died. It had rained all week and all day on thursday, but a few minutes before practice was to start, it stopped. The sun came out as bright as any of us had ever seen. I still think to this day that Josh had let us mourn as long as he thought we should, and when it was time for the show to go on, he made the sun come out to let us know it was time to move on. We made hearts out of duct tape and wore black ribbons on our uniforms for the rest of the year, and then again our senior season. And at graduation (under our robes.) We put a message for him on that year's band t-shirt. Josh's nickname in baseball was Sweets.

The shirts said "Kickin Seats for Sweets."

We'll never forget Josh. Ever.

~G

Joshua Loren McGarrahan (1982-1998)

See Tribute Poems HERE and HERE and HERE

quack back & quack forth

ducklings * old ducks * duck story * ducknotes * duckbook * creative duck * pond * rings * reviews * cast * 100 things * quotes * babies * do & don't * jlm *